Ok, new rules to consider before sending a Facebook friend request to Albert Jack. (Including Amendments)
1: Your own galleries being made up of silly postcards with meaningless quotes means request denied.
2: Your profile picture is taken by yourself in a bathroom mirror, pouting and flicking the peace sign means don’t even think about it. (If you can’t find someone else to take a photograph of you it may suggest nobody else wants to see what you look like. I certainly don’t)
3: Your own page is made up of little one-line pearls of wisdom, probably robbed from someone else (I even saw one of mine on a page today, bloody cheek) means you will only bore me. Request denied.
4: One cat picture, especially as a profile picture, means fuck off. (Not you Amanda Page, I realize I have already lost that battle and I am stuck with you now.)
5: Gallery pictures made up of muscled torsos and wistful heroines with faraway eyes on book covers means just leave me alone and enjoy your own personal fantasy life.
6: The first time I see something like ‘just off to pick little Jonny up from school’ or ‘just back from a bike ride,’ means ‘bye bye.’ If you can’t think of anything thought provoking or worth debating then start up your own group called, ‘I can’t think of anything interesting for you.’
Amendments to the Constitution
1: If you are the sort of muppet who signs up for Facebook games apps then do not even think about sending me a friend request. You really do not want me as a friend.
2: Writers with deeply disturbed imaginations and who are dangerously close to edge need also not apply. People who write things such as, ‘postdigital art, pandeism, concurrent metatem, high touoh experiences, high touch, autoethnography, cottage pie, neurocriticism, the jupiter wall, web-enabled peer-produced wikiart, pre-auth, trance access, dna pattern, a cassock and a bright orange scarf, as a unit or page by page, getting jiggy with it, brulerie, not-quite-gifted but truly wannabe, look at your reflection in the chrome, a two year rotation, goo goo doll cluster.’ What makes you think I would accept your friend request if I knew I would then be exposed to this utter bollocks…? You will be deleted immediately.
3: No people of any particular religious persuasion of any kind will be allowed on. The first ‘I thank God for this new special day, Jesus is my friend, there is no God but Allah’ or anything remotely similar means ‘delete.’ Your beliefs in the modern world are totally unnecessary and completely irrelevant, it’s just evolution hasn’t caught up with you yet. You are completely pointless, scary and have no place in a modern society. (A bit like pubic hair)
And finally if you pass all of these requirements, are accepted and then send me one single request to play an online game you will be told to fuck off, and deleted, all within ten seconds.
The same will apply if you send me an invitation to an amateur poetry reading in Montana, or El Pasa, and think I am going to fly all the way there from fucking Hanoi to listen to you droning on about ‘rain upon a leaf, the shimmering waters’ or some other bollocks.